Saturday, November 05, 2005

Bad Movie Notes -- a rant

Blockbuster has that "no late fees" thing, which really means -- if you keep it out long enough, you own it. If I wind up owning Lords of Dogtown, I'm going to hate myself. We rented it because we had seen a documentary on the boys -- the movie sucked. It doesn't matter if Heath Ledger nailed his character when most people don't know the actual person -- so it's all, "why is Heath Ledger talking like an idiot with those teeth?"

The Weatherman -- The tone was --"is that all there is?" -- deadpan. They did a nice job of conveying an immature guy who is half blind to most of his problems and what really matters and is a big fat hairy cry baby about responsibility, but is trying to buy a clue. The movie had a couple of shining moments, but mostly it was, who cares? I already know this guy and he's annoying.

And really annoying was Michael Canes description of what creates the "camel toe" effect: pants being hiked up so you can see the folds in the vagina -- and then Cage's character later confirms the definition.

Vagina..vulva... of those things down there, hey guys? And we ladies are pretty sure that the bulge in your pants has something to do your alimentary canal.

Then there's Prime. What can say about this movie? Slack jaw bad. Walk out of the movie, bad.

Meryl Streep!

Did she owe someone a favor? Is this a testament to ageism in Hollywood? What made her agree to be in this movie?

This movie let us know it had the correct social grasp on things. Black people? They got along with them. Gay people? Best friends. Mixed religion relationships? Mix. Older woman dating a boy? Of course. Poor people? They are not forgotten -- the boy painted pictures of them. One of the voices in my head kept whispering, "I see poor people."

Self amusement couldn't even carry me through. Usually, I get sort of mesmerized by bad movies, but this movie didn't even have the --"is this movie really this bad?" -- fascination going for it -- it was just one insult to wit after another.

They let us know the hero of the movie was a funny guy. In one scene the hero shows up where Uma was working with high fashion models. A guy model on the set sarcastically says to the hero, "You must be a model." To which the hero says, "and you must be a hairdresser."
OOOooohh, feel the burn. But in case you missed it -- later in the scene a female model walks up behind the hero and says, "hey hairdresser," (they exchange an -- "I totally get you" -- glance) and she says, "nice one, you're funny".

That boring exchange was one of several scenes where the hot guy said something stupid, that was supposed to be funny -- so funny that another character later confirmed his humor by talking about what a funny guy he was.

The final obnoxious straw was when Uma's character was at the boy's place for the first time (he lived with his grandparents), they were in his room with all of his paintings. Uma says, "Your paintings, they're all facing backward -- it's like you're ashamed of them." Awwww, our boring humorist is an artist at heart, but his high end Jewish family has different expectations of him, ("I see poor people").

And even if your thinking, "well, at least I could ogle Uma" --think again. Even Uma ogeling gets ruined by the scenes where her nipple it pointing the wrong way (Honey, reach in there and adjust -- it's pointing at your arm). Was everyone afraid to tell Uma about her directional problem? So let her go on film like that why don't you. I couldn't get past it -- I almost did, but it happened again.

Do they stay together? Does the Jewish mother ease up and realize happiness is what counts?
However it ended, I bet it was one big fat hairy party of maturity.

Stupid movie, don't go, don't rent, don't bother at all.


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