Monday, September 24, 2007

asperger colored glasses

Oh friends, now it all makes SO MUCH SENSE -- Rich has asperger's syndrome (and so does another, particular, meticulous word spewing, "robot", member of his family -- I'd bet lots and lots of money).

I have 10 years worth of frustrating situations crystallizing into truck loads of logic filled gems. We are both recovering alcoholics, but there has always been a little more to Rich's picture than that. Alcoholic's have that Jekyll and Hyde thing, but you are dealing with Jekyll OR Hyde. There are blood sugar issues with alcoholics and if you give a Hyde a sandwich, typically, you are rewarded with a decent human being in a matter of a few minutes.

With Rich, the crankiness left, but the obstinance remained.

Until now, the dichotomies in Rich's personality made no sense -- he comes off at times like a sociopathic Thomas Merton.

Asperger's would certainly explain how he can be a loving human being, see the beauty of things, care deeply about his fellow humans, have a conscience and be an enormous asshole all at the same time.

The defining piece of the puzzle for me, finally explains how he can be so freaking smart and still not get the point of what I am saying, sometimes not even when I have broken it down to the most literal of terms. If catching an inference meant the difference between life and death, the man would die. (certain inferences though -- I need to think on this one because he can catch and obscure reference with the best of them, but that's not the same as inference -- I have to do more track backing to see if this is true. I do know there is a particular line of reasoning that hits a wall with this one and now it makes sense why it is so.)

I call him "literal man" and I guess now I don't have to be so pissy about it.

I'm not sure how I feel about this realization. I think it will make knowing which battles to pick a little easier -- I won't waste so much energy trying to communicate in a way which he clearly does not understand -- not because he's an asshole, rather, he's not wired for it. No matter how simple a thing it is I may attempt to communicate -- it's not simple if you don't have the goods to process it. It's like realizing I've been arguing over the color of something with someone who is color blind -- me and most of the world can see that I am wearing pink lipstick, but no matter how I phrase telling him so, all he will ever be able to see on my lips is, blue.

If you know you are dealing with color blindness, it's pretty easy to see the futility in trying to talk someone's eyes into working correctly with their brain and how you would just have to take each other's word for what it looks like to the self. If you don't know that one of you is color blind, here you are stuck with one seeing pink and one seeing blue -- you're both right, but without that key bit of knowledge, you're both in logic hell. You can agree to disagree so that nobody has to die, but let me tell you it's not the most gratifying thing and depending on the subject at hand -- can be very cold, cruel and lonely.

There is tremendous relief and letting go, along with instantaneous forgiveness of some fairly deep emotional deals, however, there is also the realization that his intensity doesn't have pill cure (for him, but maybe I could get some xanax -- that should be in the Physician's Desk Reference -- xanax: prescribed for all family members of those diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome).

That may seem a bit harsh, but until you've been repeatedly held hostage in story telling situations, don't judge me. I say it not to humiliate my husband, but more as a question to asperger spouses -- this is a thing, right? The story thing -- sometimes it's life of the party stuff and other times the entire world could be looking at their watches and nada, zilch, zip -- still working it.

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Blogger kim said...

I should be in bed, but instead I'm reading my own Rich related archives and validating myself. On my old blog too.

I'm pissed off and I feel ripped off. I'll get over it and we'll get into the solution. The luster of everything finally making sense has quickly waned into, "You gotta be kidding me". And I have this viral thing and it's all very strange to be sick and coming to major realizations at the same time.

All the usual ear marks of God's hand are all over this recent revelation too, autism and asperger crap has been floating into my realm at an ever steadier pace for months now.

I have to get off of the computer so my child can feed her webkinz pet, but I just needed to journal, blog, implode on the internet in my comment section.

Maybe I won't implode, but I want to.

7:38 PM  
Blogger TTQ said...

Oh lots of witty comments, but no need to share. This is your soap box feels good having one huh?

Just another fucking growth oppurtunity.

10:42 PM  
Blogger kim said...

It does.

And I know everybody has to be a grown up and there are much bigger problems to have, but I really need to be on the pity pot for a minute.

You know how it is to have a solution to work with and know there will be tremendous benefits -- and also the "joy" of, Oh goody, more footwork.

This is such a giant year for stuff -- it's really not normal, I feel like a Kennedy.

8:47 AM  
Blogger wordtryst said...

I've noticed that when I'm sick and really zonked out, I (sometimes) have moments of amazing insight and clarity. Would really like to know more about this phenomenon.

Not that you need my musings on this right now...

12:52 AM  
Blogger wordtryst said...

Gosh, just had a liberating thought: My ex! That must have been the problem!

1:01 AM  

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