Sunday, January 20, 2008

"It's a maze aaand a maraca" -- Lizzie

I'm taking Cecily up on her idea to post from the archives. I will be busy the next couple of weeks getting my grandfather moved to a new place and helping him catch up with some red tape items.

In the meantime, I picked a long post. I may not be posting for days, so you don't have to read the whole thing at once and you will have no guilt about getting behind if you are the type to keep up with everybody's posts.

This post is from my old blog and the title became the namesake for this one. The quote came from Lizzie's comment about a toy maze she had -- it was one of those encapsulated plastic mazes with the little metal ball that you need to work around the corners without falling into a hole. Lizzie recognized it's percussionary potential and when she shook it, she said, "Look mama, it's a maze aaaand a maraca" -- the phrase struck my funny bone with how well it summed up my thoughts about the human experience as well as my personal experience with trying to figure God out.

This post is rambling and filled with disconnected and obscure references. Basically, it's me thinking out loud with not a lot of regard to anyone being able to follow along.

From May 23, 2005:



I've been disillusioned more times than I care to remember. The nice thing about getting knocked from a semi confident stance is that it, eventually, takes the pressure off of having to know it all. I tinker with thinking and I used to like to think I had a lot of how it works figured out (on again off again, of course). I used to be prone to throwing the baby out whenever the wrecking ball of critical information made it's way into a current working theory. I have found I have far fewer suicidal tendencies though if I prune, rearrange and incorporate the new ideas.


I do have some clutter ideas. Ideas that aren't practical or plausible in their current state. The kind of thoughts upon which New Age cults are built. I've spent a lot of late nights listening to Art Bell and being seduced and unnerved by ideas such as, remote viewing. "What?! An alien pod has implanted somewhere in Africa and is now spewing pathogenic spore that will anigilate all plant matter on Earth --all except chlorella?! You saw this in your mind's eye and it's true because you developed this technique for the government before they fired you because they thought it was bunk, but it's true?!!! Lord help us all."

Okay, so maybe I can ditch the remote viewing file, but what about all the Richard Bach stuff? I've read several of his books (fiction). Did you know that after I read "Illusions" I spent the better part of a week trying to stick my hand through my couch? I was still drinking then. Today I think if you wash all of the sap and mysticism off, the ideas seem... seem what? Mathematical. They make me wish I knew more math. I don't belong to any physics clubs, so the best exploratory outlet I ever get is talking to people who have a good buzz on. Sober people won't usually go there with me and often mock me in addition to rejecting my topical desires. People who truly know their stuff would probably loose me in facts pretty fast. Thus far, the binding on my copies of "The Elegant Universe" and "Understanding Einsteins's theories of Relativity" have remained in tact. Stoners, however, remain on alert.

The current items rocking my boat involve brain chemistry. Here is some science I can get my head around and make work for me. There is nothing like having your personality stabilize through taking some vitamins, eating some protein, veggies and whole grains, to throw a cog in the theological wheel. "We've found God and he is made up of three chemicals all produced in the thoethalimus" ( I wish I could take credit for coming up with 'theothalimus', but that credit goes to friend Brian B.).

I have so many thoughts, it's going to be hard to sum up in one blog entry. Having been a fan of brain science for several years and realizing how easily/swiftly the wiring goes awry, --it's a wonder any of us are productive. The downer of most studies is that they suggest hard wiring problems; once you're screwed, you are screwed. These other ideas I've been reading up on are in the category of "so you're screwed, now what? --There's light at the end of the tunnel for the chemically impaired". There are solutions to some of the problems and I am curious about how far it can go. Not a permanent fix, but better than a pill. It seems you can achieve good brain chemistry with a good idea of what will de-stabilize it -- thus avoid. Through diligence (and you can be diligent via the new found solution), you can solve a lot of issues. There are some fantastic opportunities for previously lost minds of society. But just for the moderate to mildly lost?

The crime involved in compulsive/addictive personalities alone is worth tax dollars being spent on some good food for schools and prisons. Previously it's been medication which helps, but not entirely and not equally available to all. Good food, for the regular reasons, isn't equally available either, but more so than medication. And again, it's more effective in equalizing brain chemistry issues. This food thing doesn't cure, but it does manage the problem in a very promising way. Creating a "buy in" for either solution is a problem too. I'm moving away from the brief mentions I have time for. Back to the God thing.

The coincidences go beyond intentions and manifestations (one possibility). Synchronicity is no joke. I seem to get humiliated at all the right times. And the biggies are the files that get put on my desk at just the perfect moment. Sometimes it's something new, but in line with previous thought enough to be considered, "a hit". (By "hit" -- I'm talking about nay sayers who think life is random and only seems supernatural when you ignore most of reality and only count the times things seem to add up to something.) Other times, it's information that I needed, but didn't know I needed, and yet, is perfectly tailored. Those payoff points in life keep me going. I know better than to think I've ever capped off. Even when the waiting takes years and wonders seem to cease (or at least not matter personally), it's always clear in retrospect. It's so typical it might seem boring. But how can it be typical if there weren't rules? And there's probability and likelihood to contend with, but it's more than that.

Psychology or brain science (imagined and real) only explain so much. There's the math portion. If you cut to the chase and imagine you had all of the rules figured out, would one of those rules really explain origin? It's a real chicken and egg conundrum.

It's hard to imagine the Christian God being the King of all things great and small -- because when you really think about it, it seems he does an awful lot of screwing around with us. If he's so powerful and thoughtful and with reasons unfathomable -- why the cat and mouse shit? I have children and I really don't see a valid point in handing them over to a monster for to torture them just to prove they will trust and love me anyway. Why *should* my child trust me after a stunt like that? There's a name for that I'm sure -- it has to be some kind of syndrome. Am I really missing the point of faith? And old testament Bible stories aside, why set up real life so screwy? Other religions don't explain it for me either-- for soul school? All flunkies go to hell. No, they come around and do it again...

I do think there is something to Karma, but I think it has to do with the math. Now we are back to who designed the math! And who leaves all of these delicious bread crumbs laying around?
And Jesus. How do you explain him? He pans out. But again, hell? Really? Or is hell not an on purpose eternal mean thing done to you over a bruised ego, but merely a consequence of state of energy. If I were creating a place of eternal peace and happiness, I don't think I would invite everyone either. But I wouldn't burn them and make them deal with nashing teeth for *eternity*. Apparently, that makes me more compassionate than God.

Of course, I am too limited to fully understand why eternal hell is a good idea for anyone. I don't care what frame of rationale is being worked from -- you can't create a human race, expect it to have complete and utter faith, yet give it intense emotions and extreme potential for doubt and screwing up and provide a crazy ass booby prize for getting it wrong. "Here, I give you nothing solid to work with, a few tentative tools, and extreme consequences. Now, trust me, go have fun and relax." In any case, I do think this is my one and only life. I hope there is a wonderful afterlife (time would definitely have to go though because eternity is an awful long time to be anywhere).

I would hate to waste my entire life in a state of worry over my soul. I am finding that chemically more possible these days. Oh the wonders of brain chemistry and thank you to all who wondered enough to find solutions to problems. Keep up the good work!

As for the meaning of life quandary -- what about the seemingly thoughtful and kind gestures that come out of nowhere? Do I dare not care? No. It may not seem right that I only get credit for the screwing it up part , while you get to be the solution keeper -- reeling out the answers a problem at a time. But hey, that's how it's been working so far, so to you, all knowing being who gives me clues, thank you for pointing me to the brain chemistry solution, keep up the good work! Thanks for all of the helpful stuff. Please don't burn me in a lake of fire if I'm not realizing the true gravity of the situation. You can have all the crap too. Do something useful with it. (Hey, do you think God has a junk drawer for all the crap that might come in handy some day? Or is he Rumplestizlkin -- spinning all your troubles into gold for your first born. No, that's the other guy. I'd like it if God just spins my troubles to gold and I can keep my child.)

Speaking of one and only lives, I've gotta get going. The clock is a ticking and I have spent far too much time trying to organize these thoughts today. And for what? Monty Python has already done the movie. I could seriously loose a grand portion of my life to agnostic thinking. Even though I think doubtful thoughts, I feel secure in the existence of a creator. I really don't believe that the feeling is coming from my 'theothalimus' either. I do like thinking about all of it though, it feels productive, in a goofy sort of way.

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1 Comments:

Blogger wordtryst said...

Your children come up with the most profound things. I assumed that you had created your blog title as a metaphor for life... but the kid takes the credit!

The meanderings of your mind sound an awful lot like mine. Richard Bach has also had a profound influence on my life. Don't know if that's a good thing or not, but he made a lot of sense back then. Maybe even more so now.

Can't say I've come up with any great epiphanies, but at least I'm a little more accepting of the not knowing. I probably even enjoy this state - it leaves a lot of room for thinking, rather than just accepting. And like you, the payoffs keep me going. I can't not believe in God, although I have similar issues with him/her.

10:54 PM  

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