Thursday, April 10, 2008

Paradigm shift

Breathing a sigh of relief as the dust from a critical piece of information settles.

I wish I had time to explain myself fully, but I don't so I shall keep on in a cryptic fashion with the hopes that you get the gist of it.

If you've followed my blog for any length of time at all, you may have picked up on the fact that I love my husband very much, but that I have also had one foot out the door for pretty much of our entire marriage.

There were times I'd try to bring that other foot in, but very quickly -- "Aw, hell to the no." For matters of sanity, dignity and getting on with it -- I had to keep my options open.

Some people fear their spouse might cheat. I would actually day dream about it, "I can have his bags packed in 20 minutes. He likes oatmeal for breakfast, don't cook mushrooms while he's in the house, get him to bed early and don't use too much fabric softener when drying his clothes. Okay, good luck then -- kiss, kiss."

I, literally, could write a book about all of this.

We went to marriage counseling once. What I have to say about that is, "when I said "never", I wasn't globalizing -- what I meant was, NEVERRRRR."

I made a brief mention of the correct diagnosis of the problem in a previous post. It has taken months for the information to sink in. I've laughed, I've cried, I've wanted to throw up...and now I'm out the other side and all is well.

Knowledge is indeed power. We are both on the same page -- which is critical, because we wouldn't work if only one of us was in the know.

For the first time, I have both feet firmly in and it feels right and safe. If we fell apart from here, it would be alright, but I really don't think that's going to happen.

I am deeply in love with my husband.

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Blogger Cecily R said...

Kim, I am truly happy for you!!! I adore and love Jon but I admit my foot has been hanging out the door a few times in the last 12 years. I think it's natural. At least it better be...

I'm glad you have both feet planted. That's wonderful!!

3:40 PM  
Blogger TTQ said...

I'm sure Honey feels like I have one foot out the door. I always have a suitcase packed and three others open on the bed in "my" room.
Sometimes when we *learn* new facts about our spouse's it's a hard lump to swallow and we can't spit it out or swallow it all at once, it's just so big and hard to sink your teeth into. It just takes time, then we can breath again. And hopefully shake all the uncertainess and find our backbones again.
Or we could run like our instincts tell us too, it would be all to easy.. We have a rule here that the first person to "slip" gets booted out and the other keeps the house. We like (well, not really) we are prone to being dramatic.

Isn't fun being in love though? Sometimes I feel like my heart will burst and it makes up for the indifference I feel on other days.

3:50 PM  
Blogger kim said...

Amen sisters.

I read somewhere that Tim Burton and his baby momma have separate houses that are connected by a hallway -- I think that's brilliant!

and ttq, we have that same rule. And as for instincts -- mine have actually told me STAY when my head is like, let's get the ef out of here.

"Okay God, can I leave yet? You have got to be kidding me with this stay business, because I think Oprah would be on my side and definitely Dr. Phil would be."

It was so bad this year that I actually ran the idea of getting a condo and we would take turns with the house/condo so the kids wouldn't have to be the ones to go back and forth. He didn't go for it...

...and then I had no instincts at all about the situation -- the choice was mine.
Now you know I have turned this over a jillion times, apparently, I was meant to stay in the dark for a while longer (and perhaps my acceptance was really a spiritual ploy to have my own way, but God didn't fall for it until I truly surrendered... But I swear, I was trying my best to do so from the start -- ten freakin years later is better than never at all).

In any case, never did get that easy button I ordered, dang it.

5:35 PM  
Blogger TTQ said...

I've never actually had to sleep in my room yet. Yet! Nor has he been banished to the couch. Bwahahahahahahaha. He doesn't have a room.

Okay that's just mean. I am so going to hell.

That condo idea is pretty good. Kids stay in the house mom and dad take turns. The question is would you have cable???

The point is you are ok today and it's all good again.

6:48 PM  
Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Sometimes you just gotta plant your feet in one place and dig in. There's probably some clever metaphor here about roots leading to water, but I can't quite figure it out. But here's to surprisingly good things coming from all you know.

6:54 PM  
Blogger amy said...

i think i missed a few posts in the past, bc i'm a little lost, but i'm glad that you're feeling better about your situation. it's never any fun to have one foot out the door...too much uncertainty. glad you made it to the other side :)

10:14 PM  
Blogger wordtryst said...

Seeing that my own brief and tormented marriage went up in flames 20 years ago (!! would have celebrated 25 yesterday if it hadn't!) I don't feel qualified to opine, but...

I have gathered that you love Rich very much. I vaguely remember a post on Asperger's that made me realize it wasn't an easy marriage. But then, I figured, is it ever? I've yet to see one such.

So my bottom line: good for you! You've come a long way, you've hung in there, and now you're in a good place. I think it must be so worth it.

12:50 AM  
Blogger kim said...

you remember correctly.

10:48 PM  

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