Monday, November 21, 2005

Secrets (aka -- Why isn't everyone like me and just not give a crap who knows what about you)

I can't give too many direct details because posting them on the internet would compound the betrayal that has already taken place.

What I can say is that it involves a friend of the spouse and the husband/wife secret sharing privilege. It was already too late by the time the request was put it for "don't even tell your wife" --those of you who follow my blog know what a quick dialer my husband is -- he had called me on the way to the secret havers house (again, before he knew it was a secret).

The cat cannot go back in the bag -- is what I'm sayin.

My problem with the whole thing is how the person says they realized that I knew. I noticed something and made a comment -- it was something you would notice and it was acknowledged in a conversation where it was totally appropriate context to notice! (And I wasn't looking at you like that because of that -- I was looking at your teeth, your teeth looked different, I thought you did something with your teeth. )

Not to mention (but I will), I am an observer -- small details don't get by me. I may not be able to remember your name, but if I was at your house and returned again three years later and you had moved a nic nac from the left side of a shelf to the right -- I would comment on the new placement. Secondly, the person tricked my husband into admitting he told by saying that I confessed to knowing the secret and then sucker punched him when he didn't say, "that's impossible! I never told her".

The obvious other issues of right and wrong here are moot points because this person has some major trust issues -- from an understanding friend point of view -- it wasn't completely out of line for this person to request the keeping something from me. It also doesn't matter that I think the content of the secret is no big deal -- it is to the person, so that part is a big bummer. I do feel horrible that this person feels horrible and a friendship is now in crisis mode. It's really hard for me not to pick up the phone and make a joke and plead to sanity, "If your significant other did not notice -- you need to poke them in the eye." And, "are you kidding me?" and further more, "give me a break -- he may be an asshole, but he's a stand up guy too. You can't wholesale slash someone's character over something like this.

But that is between those two, I think they have a lot they can learn from each other and I hope they do. Their friendship has been very beneficial to our marriage -- so for that reason and more (I really like this person)-- I hope it survives.

And with a big KOW -- I'll say, I'm so glad most of my emotionally needy friends have grown up or moved on. Don't be afraid, you don't have to be so afraid, feelings get hurt, friends fuck up, it's not an all or nothing deal.

Take it from a former and sometimes, emotional ingnoramous -- don't let your emotions boss you around like that, because no matter how much effort you put into arranging things, someone is going to blow the rules and you will be hurt. Your time will be better spent on learning to deal with your feelings rather than trying to outfox them.

And no, you don't already know that or you wouldn't be so friggin let down all the time -- you know who you are. Besides, it is always them anyway, they are all just stupid --you're all good!


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