overwhelmed

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was dealing with some things -- well, I'm not dealing very well. I'm not falling apart so much as shutting down.

Let me give you the scoop -- a few weeks ago my mom got news that she needs a hysterectomy -- preliminary blood tests and an ultrasound indicate a probability of cancer. Her hysterectomy was scheduled for the end of June -- June being the month we had set aside to deal with getting my grandfather's house in order and get him in a care facility as he does not wish to spend another winter on his own.

On the same day that my mom found out she may have cancer, I found out that my father's cancer has returned. I don't think I mentioned that my father had prostate cancer. It was scary news, but research and many, many people told stories of having the cancer or knowing someone with prostate cancer and how it's highly curable. His seemed to have been contained, he had some treatments and last I knew all was well.

What I was not informed of was that he had a very aggressive cancer and while they have found no actual mass, his blood numbers for prostate cancer antigens, indicate it has returned, so he is receiving treatment and they won't know anything more until the treatments are done and time passes and they do more blood work.

In the meantime, mom, who won't do meds for her bi-polar chemistry -- lost her shit and became a manic devil. She came back to earth in time for her surgery this past Monday. The surgery revealed not one, but two -- two kinds of cancer (all those double-mint commercials growing up, I have to say it that way).

The separate cancer pathologies, for the ovarian and uterine cancers they removed, are actually better than having had one type of cancer spread from one place to the other. To the naked eye they appeared contained and not of an aggressive persuasion, we will know more when blood and other tests come back (today or next week).

Can you feel the joy of all this waiting?

My poor grandpa is so worried and he keeps calling for news and there is no new news. And while there is plenty of action for me to take on getting my grandpa's paper work filled out and bringin my mom some groceries and putting my laundry away -- I don't want to do any of it and I don't want to talk to people.

I want to go to bed and be left alone for a few days.

Well, I actually feel a little better having written this. Taking action always makes me feel better, but I feel frozen and just having typed all of this -- I feel motivated to go to the grocery and get some things for my mom. I may even have enough juice to call my grandpa and listen to his worry tape play for a while.