Friday, November 25, 2005

I'm sure by law we could cut her out of his life -- if only it were that simple for the boy

I had a dream about Frankie's mom last night -- her and her boyfriend drove a truck through my back yard and started dumping a load of junk and trash into the edge of the woods. I opened a window and began yelling at her for dumping her trash and then I really layed into her about how she had been treating Frankie over the last seven weeks.

She was just how she is in real life -- she went into true fake perplextion, "why you making such a big deal out of the trash?" and what a selfish snob I am to not let her dump her trash when I have the room. And how dare I question her parenting when she is going through so much -- how heartless and judgmental of me.

Frankie is as sensitive as can be these days. He held out pretty long this time, but this is getting ridiculous even by her standards. She blew him off last weekend for the sixth one in a row with promises of the entire Thanksgiving vacation. Even though what she does next is quite predictable, he can't help being set up (with hope springing eternal and all). She would serve him better to break contact for weeks on end rather than her word over and over. Both ways suck out loud.

Wednesday she doesn't answer the phone and will fill in some bullshit with a laugh like, "The dogs must have shut the ringer off, Cricket went crazy at the doorbell and knocked the phone over, it must have happened then...ha, ha, ha, love that crazy dog even though she's so naughty." Thursday she calls and says she, "can't make it today" because she is sick and it wouldn't be any fun for Frankie to watch her be sick, he can come on Friday.

If we go by patterns, today could be the day -- it could just as easily be a late phone call describing how the day got away from her or how she is still sick and since it's so late,"let's just do it tomorrow -- it wouldn't make any sense to come out so late and disrupt everybody's night. Tomorrow will be better."

Do you see how she is always thinking of others? You should try pointing out the holes in her logic, it only took me like four years to stop trying. When one person uses the rules of logic and the other defies them...well, who's the idiot that thought she would get somewhere in that game for four years? Her main technique when called out on anything is to deny the words or action being called into judgment -- even if she just spoke them. She doesn't try to say you heard her wrong, she will say it was never spoken -- straight face, till the end of time, the end. "IiIiIiIiIiI", shaking head in a wild cartoon fashion.

I think she is going to go her whole life like this, a junkie till the end. There truly is a sense of "there but for the grace of God." We have a ton of background similarities. Even a lot of the same values -- she just has never figured out how to live by hers even a little. She feeds the self loathing enough to keep shitting all over people and never having to take a good look at how she hurts people -- she knows she does, she doesn't need details... Yes, you do Karen -- it's all about the details.

Why do people think it's so noble to hate themselves -- "I know I'm bad, it's okay to hate me" type of crap underlying it all. That is the most -- perpetuate the bullshit that is me -- line of thinking that I have ever known. What really pisses me off is that she knows it. It's not like opportunity has never knocked for her. She is so unwilling to consider an alternative.

Addiction is a nightmare and having escaped it I suppose I should just be grateful and understanding. Right now I need to be angry about everything she has squandered and the pain and chaos she continues to wreak. Suck it up and face yourself already.


Blogger kim said...

Interesting to think of this in terms of defense mode. She was too deep to face herself.
She's still in there.

9:56 PM  

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