Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Luke was so lucky

My dad was just here for a visit. It's the first time I've seen him in five years and despite the title of this post, we had a very nice time. The title reflects my inner turmoil over the head scratchy stuff I'm left with after spending a few days with my father.

My dad is one of those people who states the obvious in a most patronizing way, but like it's his duty -- like the information will be helpful -- it's not helpful.

Let's just say I feel compelled to do something really nice for his wife this Christmas.

The fun stuff was seeing my kids get to know their grandpa, that was cool. Rich and I took my dad and his wife to the art museum and that was very cool too. The thing I was not expecting was the cancer effect on the whole visit.

My dad looks great, but it was weird to think it's possible that, given the five year frequency of visits, this could be the last time he's here, or not. Hopefully he kicks that scary Gleason score's ass and we see him many, many more times.

My dad has always been pretty sappy, but I could see him taking stuff in and saying things like it might be his last chance to do so in person. And he said all the things a dad is supposed to say about being proud of his daughters -- he said it like he didn't want to regret not saying it. Words were coated with the possibility of impending doom.

I hope he never reads this because I know that was not his intent, it's just a fun little thing cancer has thrown into the equation.

There is this strange dimension to cancer that makes it hard to reconcile with one's emotions regarding a loved one having the diagnosis (I currently have 3 such loved ones in active battle and 1 loved one in remission. So much for immediate family and our previous cancer free history). It took a while for the gravity of it to sink in, it's almost routine to hear of someone who has cancer, but then is cured.

I'm not even going to state the statistics regarding my dad or my aunt (I'm not currently on speaking terms with my mother, so I don't know her stats -- that's enough story for a book, but maybe I'll attempt a post form some time, right now? Not delving into that one). The statistics seem so doomy.

If I paid attention to statistics, I would be a drunken, divorced, slut with kids who's hair needs combing and who are doing poorly in school, etc.

I am of the expecting of, and receiving of miracles persuasion. Even so, cancer remains and uninvited guest to the mental party. Even though cancer is often highly curable, and beside the fact that any one of us could die from any number of things any ol' day -- cancer is like the reaper licked his own thumb and wiped a person with it. And now, what does that mean? What's it going to do?

And there is your opportunity to work your faith, because cancer is this thing with way too many variables. Waiting in the unknown, for me, requires God for peace of mind.

And on the earthly side of things, because I have to take physical action as well -- on the home front I'm going to eat less sugar and more greens. And I will pray a favorite 12 step prayer for me and my family members that we know God's will for us and that we be granted the power to carry it out.

I ask for your positive thoughts be sent out to them too. Thanks.



Blogger Travis Erwin said...

positive thoughts headed your way.

3:43 PM  
Blogger kay said...

ah kim i too have the impending doom of cancer lingering over our family. my father-in-law, who has been more of a father to me than my own, had small cell lung cancer. the dr's are stunned that he is in remission. but i can tell you that i am not. prayer is a powerful thing my dear and i will add you and your family to mine!

4:25 PM  
Blogger kim said...

Thanks you guys. And right back at you Kay -- I will pray for you and your family. Yes, I've witnessed the power of faith and prayer first hand enough times to know it's more than just busy work.

5:01 PM  
Blogger TTQ said...

You are added to my nightly please and thank you list. I also say my "I'm sorries", too after reviewing my day.
On th eillness front, my mom had breast cancer and came through like a trooper. She is now healthier than any of her children. She is also faced with the possiblity of me not being around to grow old. (I know.. morbid)But I know my chances and I may not live to be 80 but I'm damn well going to be good to myself and good to others in the mean time. And trust in my Dr's. Even when it all seems to much.

6:30 PM  
Blogger kim said...

ttq -- you are in my prayers already.
You are already an odds beater on certain fronts and you have that ever important spiritual edge and awesome attitude. Love that about you.

I can think of a couple of old people who were once in your boat (from what I know of your boat, I don't want to insult you if I am making assumptions).

Thanks for sharing about your mom, very encouraging. My aunt has had hers come back and it wasn't dealt with right away because, and this will piss you off, even though she went to her doctor with swollen lymph glands, the doctor didn't feel it was cancer related (in a former cancer patient !!!).

I don't know how long she was put off for, but she became uneasy enough about it to make them check and sure enough -- it's in her freaking bones. She's doing a lot of alternative stuff along with the regular and our family is a small army, so that's a lot of prayers.


9:23 PM  
Blogger KATE said...

I'm so sorry to you all! Cancer seems to be looming in so many families these days! I'm so sorry.

All I know is that you should always get a second opinion. My mom just found out that she has breast cancer & today they are doing a biopsy on her thyroid. It's not sounding good. But I have high hopes. Her first surgeon thought she didn't have a "high risk" so he was just set on getting an MRI done & not doing anything else. She finally went & had the biopsy done & sure enough tumor & areas of question throughout her thyroid & we're praying not her lymphnodes! Stupid idiot first doc she saw!

I just can't figure out why docs would gamble with the possibility of cancer?!

I think prayer & faith is what gets ya thru, if not the healing power of faith, the comfort that comes with it!
Good luck to you & your families!

12:23 PM  
Blogger kim said...

Every single cancer story near to me involves a weird cavalier attitude by the medical community. I don't get it.

My aunt is a long time feminist, professor of women's studies at a well known college, published author on women's issues and zen poetry -- if she can get blown off and pat on her pretty little head -- I just hope I never get sick.

1:20 PM  
Blogger kim said...

And Kate, of course you and your mom are in my prayers. I love that about blogging.

goodness to you)))))))))))))))

1:23 PM  
Blogger TTQ said...

I might blog about it more someday, but for now..I need a place to just to be me. Illness has a way of taking over people's identity.

1:47 PM  
Blogger kim said...

ttq -- I can see that. Weather it be physical or mental illness -- it can be "the thing" -- and there is so much more to people than their things. I kind of regret mentioning the asperger husband thing -- like great, another label, another thing to champion, etc. And like I'm obligated to get back to it on the blog -- but in reality I don't want to join asperger-anon -- I want to cut to whatever chase, where's a quick family class and behavior modification 101 for this deal.(I did make one phone call and they were over a thousand bucks just in getting an official diagnosis -- helloooo, insurance won't cover this for us. Looks like I'll be navigating internet communities for practical solutions -- I just want one of them easy buttons. For real, give me an easy button).

With all the other crap, I can't even catch up to my emotions on, I'm playing the avoidance card on that for now.

I like to blog personal because of the chance to connect and relate -- maybe I should have done two blogs, a heavy and an escape.

I'm a Gemini -- you get both in one, what can I say.

There, I got back to it on the blog. Head in sand.

For what's it's worth, that's my rambling response to getting personal on a blog.

3:10 PM  

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