Monday, December 05, 2005

Oh, fortheloveofPete -- I'm married to Howard Stern

He doesn't eat balongia off of my ass -- nor does he spank me with a salami, or anything like that. But he is the same guy -- I recognized him last night on 60 minutes. Very casual words came rolling out of his mouth about his staff of twenty years and how he has been hard to work for.

The way Howard described why he was the way he was -- I became one with the television due to the clarity of the moment, "Oh for fuck's sake -- I married you?!". To paraphrase what he said: he is controlling due to utter focus on his singleness of purpose of using his iron will to bring about his vision.

I wish I had the transcript of the exact words because they sounded so logical and respectable, and while truth, they glossed over the picture of disfunction a little too easily.

Howard said he realized that he could have been a little more involved in the human relations aspect of things...Yeeees! Very good idea Howard, but you still really don't know what that means do you -- I want you to know what that means because it could give me a glimmer. But, you don't -- I could tell by your girlfriend. I'd probably think your selfishness is cute too if I were a baby, dating a filthy stinkin rich and famous guy.

Here's the main problem with these smart, hysterically funny, visionary types -- they are not integrated personalities. You deal with Jeckyl, you deal with Hyde and Trump and Mother Teresa and Jerry Seinfeld and Sting (because of the slow good lovin, although not exactly the all day Tantric process -- we are talking separate personalities here -- when he's on, he's on), and Underdog and this one Deadhead guy, and there might be a gay guy too (I'm not sure, but it would really explain a lot of the anger, and some of the fashion choices, and the Kenny G. CD he owned when I first met him...Okay, and he bought a Best of George Michael CD quite recently -- he made me purchase for him. Am I in some kind of denial here?). Wait, my apologies to the gay community -- nothing explains that Kenny G. CD.

Anyway, there is no filtering process in this type of person. Any given mode takes all the concentration they have -- they pick the best personality to deal with the task at hand and if the asshole is the best guy for the job, there's no Mother Teresa sugar on top and so on.

I don't care what kind of Sage Zen master you are -- this person will suck you in and wear you out. Either stay away, or be prepared. Stern's wife made it twenty one years -- I wonder if I can hang that long.


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