Holy crap, okay?

I sent a response to an on-line acquaintance who lost a small child about a year ago -- we belong to the same parenting group.

I hastily sent something that, upon reflection, could have been insensitive -- depending on how it was perceived and how familiar you are with me.

As I've mentioned before, sometimes I talk to people like they know what I'm talking about and it can be a problem.

I sent an apology just in case and -- it hasn't posted -- which means they are moderating my posts now.

Excellent, insensitivity to people in the deepest kind of pain a person can experience -- just what I was going for.

Once both girls are in school I'll finally have time to get some things done

I really thought that would be true. I was going to have more time to blog. I was going to organize the laundry room. I was going to get rid of toys while nobody was looking. I was going to watch crappy TV and take naps.

Well, that's just not been happening. School started September 1st and yesterday was the first day I was even home all day with no obligations, other than baking muffins for Winnie's class (how very Cleaver of me, hey?).

Today? Saturday and the kids are home, we will be doing more baking -- that is if the zucchini for the bread hasn't molded for the second time since trying come together with the zucchini bread making plan.

I should really invest in a day planner.

Retraction

When I said I was a little jealous of crazy people and that it might be nice to crack in the form of a Jesus freak?

...Yeah, I take that back.

That's the kind humor my God has -- he just might grant that one, so I'm takin it off the table.

I'm on a spiritual journey right now as a matter of fact. It involves a puppy and a lot of money and I just don't want things to turn ugly as I think about the spiritual issues that have been brought forth through this little adventure.

So again, ... takin... it... back.

From my personal journal September 11, 2001:

The girls are sleeping and I'm getting ready to nap as well. I doubt I will sleep. I can't stop watching the TV news coverage of the days events this far.

When Rich called I got chills and went hollow. As I watched coverage and Katie Couric mention the twin towers each being hit -- one twenty five minutes after the other and will anything else happen. Just a couple of minutes after her comment the Pentagon was hit. Some guy was talking from his office on the other side of the building -- not sure if the noises and shaking he heard and felt were related to another attack or not. As it came through that, yes, another plane was used to crash into the building...So insane!

My brain is still trying to process and things are still happening -- a car bomb somewhere -- another plane? Something in Pennsylvania
______________


The trade towers are gone -- gone-- no more...

I had the TV on in Winnie's room -- I went and got the little one from the garage so I could watch coverage while keeping the girls day semi normal. I painted some more in winnie's room, we played and read books. I thought perhaps I should take a shower as I smell pretty bad and am pretty dirty and what if the terrorists keep going to the point of complete shut down of all function (electric, etc...) -- what if this were my last chance for a shower for some time.

I'm still dirty.

We are carrying on as usual in the house, but of course it all feels strange and uncertain. The brain just thinks of the ordinary and practical against the backdrop of...what do you call this feeling? Terror?

It's too unbelievable to strike that kind of emotion -- it's a hollow void instead of the prickles of fear.

In answer to the inner urgings to do something, I prayed on my knees instead of just staying in my chair. I want to wrap my thoughts and heart around the world and by sheer force of will, protect it from harm and to stop the pain of those who suffer, who are injured or trapped or who have lost. I want to thwart any further actions with my hard pleadings to God. To do my personal best prayer work and urge others...just that human call to join together in sanity and kindness.

I kiss my girls and am grateful for their current safety.

Hey Midwesterners, remember when WLS was the shiz nizzy?

I heard Blinded by the Light yesterday and it took me back. There are a few songs my sisters and I refer to as "bus songs" because we heard them on the bus all the time.

When I was in 5th grade we had the best bus driver, we thought she was the coolest because she listened to WLS am radio -- it was what you listened to if you were anybody.

They must have had a 5 song play list because we heard the same songs on the bus everyday -- thus the strong transport back to the bus whenever I hear the songs today. I know songs and smells have the power to evoke strong memories, but I'm telling you -- I hear two notes of certain songs and I start ducking paper wads.

Muskrat Love was a dud, there was always a collective let down when that one came on, but Blinded by the Light and that one that said, "...you think you're gonna break up, then she says she wants to make ouuuuut, ahhhhh you make me love you, ahhhhhh you gotta a waAy..." -- who was that, Manford Man? They were in there somewhere, and some Leo Sayer song...

...FM radio? What's that?

I think our fish has arthritis

You never really think about a fish getting to be elderly, do you?

Winnie has a beta fish, I think they are supposed to live from 3 to 5 years and hers has been around about that long now. This is fishy number 2. Fishy number 1 died fairly soon after we got it.

Unlike in the movies, you can pull the a switchero without your kid becoming wise to it.

We probably would have told her that fishy died if it weren't for the fact that we coincidently had a peek into what that world would be like when we read a story about a kid whose fish died. She was 2 or 3 years old and she cried at the thought of fishy dying, every night for a week. Fishy died that same week of her freaking out about it -- that's the law of pets and parenting: parent says, "Fishy is not going to die any time soon" = dead fish swimming = "mommy is a liar".

Well, mom doesn't have to be a liar when there is a pet store full of blue and red beta fish just up the street. Fishy number two has proved to be a hardy fish. When she dies her second death we will be able to tell the truth about it.

Now that fishy is getting old, we've had several false deaths to prepare ourselves with. Fishy used to swim around all day or if she was hanging out, her fins would be in motion as she hung in a plant. Now she will lay motionless on the bottom of the tank and we will all gather round and stare to see if she is dead. Since we are used to her swimming to the top at the sight of people, we get convinced that she must be dead with all of us looking in and nothin.

Just when we've concluded her death, she snaps out of her fishy seizure and starts swimming again. She looks a little bent and doesn't float as effortless as she used to -- it's kind of like her head floats and she's dragging her body along for the ride. Something important to buoyancy has definitely stopped working.

We give her a really good senior discount on the food and she's hanging in there. Hope her golden years are the best ever.